The Raptors Of Penzance

So, just on a wierd sort of a whim, I started editing the words to the Gilbert & Sullivan play, The Pirates of Penzance, when someone on the forums said "I am the very model of a Moderator General". It's a forum joke.

Anyways, this came out.

I am the very model of a Moderator General,
I've information intertubal, real and ephemeral,
I know the kings of forum, and I quote the flames historical
From General to Serious in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical,
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the scientific names of forumites fantabulous,
In short, in matters intertubal, real and ephemeral,
I am the very model of a Moderator General.

I know our mythic history, Belial's and Randall Munroe's;
I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for zombie toes,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of hellish Anfurny,
In conics I can floor peculiarities that are furry;
I can tell undoubted Jalapenos from SpitValves and Owijads,
I know the croaking chorus from the frogs of Aristophan-as!
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music on iPod
And whistle all the airs from that infernal book all about God.

Then I can write a washing bill in COBOL or assemb-a-ly,
And tell you ev'ry detail of the Windows flaws security:
In short, in matters intertubal, real and ephemeral,
I am the very model of a Moderator General.

In fact, when I know what is meant by "Okita" and then "Meaux Pas",
When I can tell at sight a newbie from a seasoned great-grandpa.
When such affairs as meetups and get-togethers I’m wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat",
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gamery,
When I know more of tactics than most World of Warcraft lamery
In short, when I've a smattering of intertubal strategy—
You'll say a better Moderator General has never be.

For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
In short, in matters intertubal, real and ephemeral,
I am the very model of a Moderator General.

Some of the references might be a bit obscure if you're not a forumite, but the cadence follows. Even more incredible, I got these replies:

MightyJalapeno, I'm filing a lawsuit against you for an attempt to break my brain with AWESOME.

That is not just awesome. It is not even just awesome AWESOME. It is AWESOME awesome AWESOME.

It is, in fact, an awesomeburger pattie covered in awesomesauce and placed on a fresh sesawesome seed bun.

...Hopefully by this point the word "awesome" has lost all meaning to you after seeing it so many times.
Somebody definitely needs to record that. I wish I could sing so I could do it myself but alas, I can not. But if somebody records the vocals I could add instrumentals and polish.

*brain melts due to pure awesomeness*
You'll be the death of me!

It's official, MJ has won the internet. We bow before your peppery might.

ZOMG. That was awesome. I think if MJ isn't a General, he should at least be Major Kong or something. That guy rode a nuke! And had a cool hat.

I'll have mine with a side of win, and a 60-ounce Un-Frickin'-Believable.


If it's any consolation I thought it could've been a lot better.

The last guy's a jerk, though...